DO NOT look at me

My friend and my sister threw a "couples" wedding shower for Jeff and I last night. I loved it that they wanted to give us a shower, but it made me uneasy. I didn't like thinking about it and delayed registering anywhere until everyone kept asking me about it and I saw that I was hindering the process. I originally thought that my reluctance to participate in shower related activities was about not needing more stuff. Jeff and I combined have more stuff than we can possibly use and have been actively trying to reduce the amount of clutter, furniture, and redundancies in our home. Not that I didn't appreciate the thought and effort that my sister and pal were showing. I did and still do. Many friends came, brought many useful gifts and they all had a nice time. Except me.

I spent most of the week before the shower actively trying to forget that it was going to occur. Easy to do, because the wedding is just days away now. The day arrived, and I was dreading going. Finally I began to examine why I was feeling this way. What the hell is wrong with me, I wondered. I felt like an asshole because my sister had driven 4 hours to help host the event and spent untold amounts of money on decorations and wine. My friend had it at her home and she was reeling from a terrible sinus infection. And here I am, not wanting to go and feeling very uncomfortable when we arrived.

As I moved from group to group, thanking people for coming, laughing, telling everyone how excited I was about marrying Jeff, inwardly I was feeling so awkward. After my second margarita, it hit me that I do not like being the center of attention. In fact, I hate it. I hadn't realized how much it bugged me to have everyone looking at me, even in friendship and love. It's exhausting. I now understand my very up and down feelings about the wedding itself. While I am happy to be getting married to Jeff, I am uncomfortable with the ceremony/reception aspects. Somehow I feel responsible for everyone's fun...are they having a good time? Am I entertaining enough? Lots of pressure and as I write this, I know it's an unreasonable burden to place on my shoulders.
This week, as the day draws nearer, I will try very hard to be more relaxed about everything and to understand that I can't control anyone else's anything, including their fun level. Enjoyment comes from a give and take situation: I do everything I can to make people comfortable and welcome, they will either like it or not. Either way, I've done my part and I can relax.