I begin again

Here I am... new to the world, innocent, just beginning the journey. No one knows when they begin their lives how long they have and what will happen on the journey. Just as well. How could we bear knowing all of the crap that was going to come at us, even also knowing that there would be some fantastic things as well...we would check out of life before we even began it.

I am thinking about my upcoming wedding, where I will in fact begin again and about my mother, who had to put her husband, my dad, in nursing care. She too is beginning again. How many times do we get to do this? I had thought, when I was in my early twenties, that getting married then was it...you chose your life and then got on with it. If I had known that I could have do overs or that I could change the course of my life, then I might not have been so nervous, fearful of failing or picking the right thing. I might have given myself time to think, to breathe, to grow into myself before I began my life with Michael. Oh well, I didn't and that's one of the big lessons I need to remember now: the past is past. Get on with your life. It has taken me five years to get over, actually heal, from my first marriage, to get to the point where I could trust myself and Jeff. I might not have spent enough time single...I don't know. My self-esteem was never strong enough to withstand the thought of no one loving me. So I spent a lot of my single time worried that there never would be anyone. Fear...my greatest enemy.

Look at that sweet face. How could she be fearful that no one would love her? A lot of wasted emotion and energy. I did like living on my own in many ways, making my own decisions about everything, having my own nest. Now I have to share again, compromise, live with someone else's crap. What I am gaining though is far more important than mere self indulgence. It is wonderful to have someone here at night to sleep with, to hold when I am feeling alone, to tell about my day and hear about his. It takes me out of myself to care what is happening to him. To care about how he feeling, how his life going.

Jeff said to me last night that I am a good listener, that I am sympathetic to other people's problems and as a result, they tell me all their shit. I take it all on and then I feel so burdened down with it that I feel terrible. He's right, I think. I do like to help people, but it does get to be too much, especially when I am feeling over-burdened with my own life. No one ever seems to understand that sometimes it kinder to not tell me everything, that I can't fix everything in their lives. Of course, I am talking about my mom. Is she going through a tough time? Absolutely. Do I have the time and the energy to run out there every two days to fix what's wrong? Can I fix what's wrong? NO. She's going to have to adjust to her life on her own. I wish she could see that it will be a while before she will feel comfortable with her new life, that she won't be happy in it for some time.

That's it. New blog, new life...again.